I will start at the beginning.... Danielle Christine Fitch was born on 9-20-2000 11:11pm, 5lbs, 14oz. While pregnant, I had been told I had marginal placenta previa and throughout the pregnancy, it looked as if the placenta had migrated up enough to safely deliver, but I was still told to tell everyone in delivery about it. When in labor, I was going to be sent home, but then as the nurse was switching me to the left, the heart rate of Danielle took a nose dive, but straightened out when I turned back. The doctor decided to keep me and encourage labor to progress by giving me something to help it along. About an hour or two later, I felt a "POP", and since I'd never had my water break on it's own my first 3 deliveries, I told Jeremy, "I think my water just broke". He checked and said, "I don't know, but there is a lot of blood", and we rang for the nurse. Everything progressed quickly, nurses checking me, checking for a heartbeat (found none), having me signing paperwork for surgery, looking for the doctor - who was down in the emergency department, and round and round. Finally, in surgery (my first ever), listening to the nurse and anesthesiologist arguing over epidural vs general. Anesthesiologist insisted on epidural. I told them if anything happened to my baby.... Jeremy came in and surgery began. The doctor told me she cut me up and down outside and diagonal inside because she had heard me say we wanted more children... Very fast, didn't hear a cry... Jeremy said she was out, I felt something choking me, it was my oxygen line just laying across my throat. I got to look at Danielle in an incubator as they wheeled her past me to NICU.
In recovery, the doctor came down and put his hand on my arm, explaining that our baby was in very grave condition, didn't know if she would survive, but there was a brain cooling treatment study that was experimental in Ann Arbor they wanted to see if they would take her, but she would have to be there within 3 hours of birth. She had lost 2/3 of her blood, it had taken them 20 minutes to get a heartbeat and her organs had shown necrosis. It was being done to see if it would make any difference in brain damage, etc. We said yes. As they were making phone calls, etc., they wheeled me up to NICU and let me see her. She was hooked up to everything imaginable, on a respirator, not moving, quiet. Ironically, I couldn't feel my own feet yet but the only thing I could reach to touch on her was her feet! What beautiful, soft feet they were! They wheeled me into the hall as they transferred her to an incubator for the helicopter ride to Ann Arbor. Family had arrived and we all waited and said goodbye as the crew took her out.
Jeremy spent the night with me, I woke up to hearing babies crying on the maternity floor, hurting because my baby wasn't with me and I didn't know what was happening. In the morning, I told Jeremy (who was torn between his wife and baby) to go to Ann Arbor, she needed one of us there! So, he and his mom went. They had a meeting with the doctors who told us we were being too optimistic, she was in bad condition, a very sick baby. BUT, I called the hospital and got to talk to Jeremy at her bedside, he put the phone to her and I talked to her and her heart rate went high! Optimistic... they don't know the God I serve! That night (Thursday), Jeremy had come back to the hospital to spend the night with me and I begged him to crawl into bed with me in the middle of the night after crying babies and pain that felt like a freight train had hit me took over and I cried and cried).
She was born on a Wednesday night, I talked the doctor into letting me go to Ann Arbor Friday morning to be with her. We stayed in a special room there called a nesting room, then rented a room for a few nights right at the hospital hotel. Here is Danielle with the cooling cap on...
Day 3, the cooling cap came off (it was a 3 day study):
Day 7, the ventilator came out!! She could breath on her own!!
Day 10 and she opened her eyes! She was still on oxygen, nasal tube feeds, etc., and the doctors started talking about sending her back to the Saginaw hospital so we could be closer to home!
- Big brother got to hold her finally!
After 21 days in the hospital, she came home on nasal feeds with a pump (that was fun, but we have a great pediatrician who worked good with momma and we had her off of that within 2 weeks of coming home)! The doctors all called her our "miracle baby", no matter what doctor I saw in the years to come, they had heard of her birth story! The first year she had a lot of hypertonicity in her limbs (lower half especially), we used to have to tie her down in her high chair because she was so stiff! But, she started walking at around 14 months, was on high calorie formula for 18 months, had reflux, but was a wonderful little girl who loved life, people, water, everything! At 2 1/2 she was starting to say some words (we had had her in physical, speech and occupational therapy off and on since her birth), but she was very very smart even though she didn't talk much! She would sign I love you and had a special name for everyone:) She loved Isaac after he was born. She would sit next to me while I was feeding him and rub his head, hold his hand, etc. She would help you if you were cleaning house, working on a car, raking, bringing in firewood, anything. She would get upset if you wouldn't let her help! In the beginning of April, she went to Ann Arbor for her last check up there, they discharged her from having to go back, said she was doing great!
Swimming was a favorite!
Loved the water and camping!
loved her sisters:) (This was less than 2 weeks before she died)
at a hotel, waiting to go swimming, wearing a big sibling's life jacket!
Isaiah 43:2-3 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee: and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee. When thou walkest thru the fire, thou shall not be burned. Neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. For I AM the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel.
As a Christian, I believe God is always in control and that all of our trials and tribulations must first pass through His hands. Because I trust in God's wisdom and judgment, I know there are reasons why He allows wounds and suffering. However, we are not equipped to know or comprehend the mind of God, or the reasons behind His purpose. Perhaps He allows trials to deepen our faith, draw us closer, to produce character and endurance, or to destroy self-reliance to remind us we are not actually in control, that we desperately need His mercy and grace. Our trials may serve as an example for faith and endurance for our loved ones, or strengthen us to help others going thru adversity. He has promised, though, to go with us through these fiery trials.
In April of 2003, we planned a spur of the moment trip to visit relatives in Indiana on Easter weekend, good Friday, the 18th. We picked up our niece in Davison and headed out, only to have someone side swipe our truck and take our driver's side mirror off. Thankfully no one was hurt, just the mirror and after getting an rv mirror extender and tying it to it, we kept on going. Halfway through our trip, Danielle had wet through her clothes, so I had taken her pants off, changed her pull up and then sat next to her, counting out the papers of the maps, etc. to pass the time, arriving in Madison, IN around 6ish, I believe. I took Danielle upstairs to our room and changed her into fresh clothes and remember giving her a kiss and a hug before we went back outside.
Upon arriving, Jeremy, his Uncle, Danielle and Isaac (10 months), went for a walk around the 20 some acres after our long ride (7 hours). When they came back, all of the kids were outside playing. Danielle with her little cousins (they had around 7 or 8 kids at the time, us 5) on the cement up by the house/garage and the girls out on the pond in the paddle boat. We were getting ready to grill so I went in to talk to our Aunt while trying to nurse Isaac. Danielle's shoes had gotten full of clay (the garage was a new addition so lots of clay, dirt, etc. around it) and I told them to rinse them off in the hose, they would be ok for now. Isaac wasn't very interested in nursing at the time with all the commotion and excitement so after about 15 minutes, we went back outside. I asked where Danielle was, Jeremy pointed over by the boys, I didn't see her, so we started looking for her. We walked around the pond several times and the immediate yard (which was big!) After about 5 minutes, EVERYONE was looking for her (the girls were back out in the paddle boat, I believe, and also came in to look). After about 15 minutes, we decided to call 911 and also call people/family we knew to pray that we could find her! The police came out, neighbors came over, quite a few people were there, helping to look. I was walking through the front lawn area with Curt, just calling her name, then calling out to God, begging Him to let us find her... They lived on a hill with a steep ravine behind the house that went down to a creek, people were lining up arm to arm, holding on to one another and going up and down that steep ravine, calling and looking for her. They brought in a dog, a heat sensor thing to check the pond, a helicopter, and finally, a dive team.... Jeremy, his uncle and a rescue person had gone backtracking where they had taken a walk earlier. They all heard someone call "daddy" and thought it was Danielle and started running, but at the same time, someone came over the guy's radio and announced they had found her, in.the.pond.
I was up at the house, trying to be close to the kids, and I was on the phone with our Pastor when the sheriff/policeman came in to tell me. I dropped to the floor, just in disbelief even though I knew in my heart by that time (10:30ish), she was probably in the pond. I went looking for Jeremy, screaming for him, screaming, please, God, NO, please, GOD, NO! They guided me to the ambulance, I got in with Dan and Karen and joined him. He was holding her lifeless, cold body. At first, I didn't want to hold her, but then took her in my arms, just in shock. We sang together a few songs, I think, but I only remember singing "It is Well with my Soul". We got to stay in the ambulance awhile (I don't remember how long exactly) before they had to take her. Jeremy and I went back to the house to tell the kids, put them to bed, call our pastor back, and went to take a shower. I remember the smell of the pond water (to this day I can still smell it) while sitting in the shower, crying. We finally went to bed around 3am, with me hugging her coat...
In the morning, the funeral director came and met with us, got some clean clothes for her, and went to get her ready to bring her to us so we could take her home with us. Everyone was so kind, meals were brought, money was given, a U-Haul trailer was rented so we could put our stuff/luggage in there and have Danielle in the small casket/box in the back of our Suburban.
As I was cleaning the truck out, I found her stuffed animal that we had given her for Easter before we had left the house. I laid my head in her carseat and wept, "I'm so sorry, so sorry...." Dan drove us home, Jeremy and I sat in the back seat, close to our girl, both numb and oh so weary. We met family at our house at around midnight and then took her to the funeral home. I felt so numb while making arrangements for funeral, pamphlets, flowers, visitation. I would cry after the kids were in bed or I was in the shower. One night, before the funeral, I couldn't sleep and picked up my Bible, went into the bathroom, locked the door, and started looking up verses on COMFORT. I ran across
I Thessalonians 4:13-18 But I would not have you be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope. 14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with them. 15 For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep. 16 For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God and the dead in Christ shall rise first: 17 Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord. 18 Wherefore comfort one another with these words.
Since then, I've written verses in the front cover of my Bible so when I need comfort, I can go to God's word! We sang a few songs at Danielle's funeral (including Cherish the Moments and It is well with my Soul, Jesus love Me) and I told God I needed Him to get me through it, I couldn't do it alone. There were quite a few people saved that day, praise the Lord! Uncle Dan spoke and his paper was titled "God's Little Missionary", how true! His words:
*"I didn't choose to be here today, I am here reluctantly. This is a time of grief and sorrow, and although I cannot speak for everybody here, I feel I speak for Jeremy and Christine as well as our family when I say that sorrow is mainly self directed. Because we know that where Danielle Christine Fitch is there is "fullness of joy". Danielle is safe in the arms of Jesus.
Yet while we did not choose this hour, we, as humans, have the unique ability to benefit by it. And over the past couple of days I have witnessed some of those who have benefited from this difficult time as families and friends have come together to share in the grief.
There are some song lyrics that came to mind as we drove little Danielle back to Michigan last Saturday:
I walked a mile with laughter,
she chattered all the way,
Leaving me none the wiser,
with all she had to say.
But I walked a mile with sorrow,
never a word said she,
But, oh the things I learned from her
when sorrow walked with me.
Some of you know Danielle Christine better than we did. We saw her only occasionally. But like those of you who knew her, we were drawn to this little girl. All children are a special gift, but this little girl, perhaps due to the special circumstances surrounding her birth, made her extra special to many of us.
Her life was a life prefaced by miracles. She has been called the "miracle baby". And all of the power of modern medicine was not able to save her from the clutches of death those first few weeks after her birth. Only her heavenly Father through the power of prayer, was able to save her.
Danielle was fragile and delicate as a child. She walked in a herky jerky manner and communicated mostly by grunts and groans. She stole the hearts of many people, including my own. Yet Danielle lived her short life to the fullest, and she was fearless and bold in everything she did, especially when it came to the water.
On the Fitches arrival to our home the summer of 2002, we were warned that Danielle might jump right into the water. And I was there one day to witness Danielle, fully clothed, march down the hill to our pond and dive in head first into the water. That time, God ordained it that her human guardians were there to rescue her...
I don't pretend to know why this tragedy has occurred. And after all, the scriptures tell us that "the secret things belong to God". But I am comforted by the fact that "no actual harm ever befalls the righteous" and "all things work together for good".
Is it a coincidence that Danielle fell asleep for the last time April 18th, 2003, Good Friday, a day we traditionally celebrate our Lord and Savior's death? He was a "man of sorrows and acquainted with grief". Or is there a message of meaning here, about the purpose of this precious little child's life? It was days later that Christ's disciples understood the "good" in Good Friday. Perhaps the message here will become clearer through time, or maybe it will be revealed "on that day" when we are reunited.
Danielle is often called "a little Angel". She was angelic in her charm and beauty, yet she was 100% human. But angels are said to be God's messengers, so perhaps Danielle Christine Fitch was an angel in some ways. God's little emissary, or missionary for Jesus, pointing a secular and lost world towards the things of faith and eternity.
My family has been privileged to spend the past 6 days with the Fitch family. I have been amazed and encouraged by the strength and faith of this family displayed during this trial. It is during the storms of life that we see the true nature of a person and many families have been torn apart during events like this one.
But when Danielle was born, she brought her parents closer together, and helped to heal and strengthen a struggling marriage. And in her parting, those bonds and cords of love appear to be strengthening and deepening, not diminishing.
Jeremy and Christine Fitch, in my thinking, are a testimony to the power of God to change a life. And my prayer is that, in the days ahead, "many will see and fear, and will trust in the Lord". If this occurs, and I have seen it beginning over the past 6 days, then we may have our answer to the question "why?". And this will confirm to me that Danielle was indeed, God's little missionary bringing a message of healing and reconciliation. Dan Christopher*
The days, months and years have gone by with the first holiday, first birthday, etc. without her. Now, just anniversaries of those dates. I always think about her. I know how old she would be, I wonder what she would look like, sound like, how tall she would be.... We have been blessed with 2 more girls since Danielle passed away and I can see her in their smiles, expressions, laughter, and I am so thankful for that!
I did go through some dark times. After Danielle died, I felt like I was in a shell, I went through all of the motions for my family so we could function, but didn't allow myself to grieve. I admit, I don't remember how I handled the grieving process with our kids and wish I had done that differently. But, there is no right or wrong when going through something like this so I don't beat myself up. Since Danielle died, I've had 3 more miscarriages (I had 1 before she was conceived). The second one was a year and a half after her death, in September 2004. After that, I had pre-cancer cells removed, off and on feelings of guilt (what if's, what if she had gone in the house with me, what if I had stayed outside), if only's. , I had a few panic attacks, trips to the emergency room thinking it was my heart, dealing with the anxiety and worry through prayer, exercise, etc. Feeling of being a failure for not watching over/protecting my daughter (I was a pretty protective parent before and it only got worse after). I would worry of what other people must think of me, but I remember as a parent, as you may also, the times in the stores shopping with little ones and having that moment of panic when a little one was messing around, going through the clothes racks and you couldn't find them, when they take off, giggling. Some parents have had children taken while they are playing outside, or walking home from school, etc. It only takes a moment for something to happen. However, I had to come to the realization that is was doing me no good to think like this and I need to keep on moving forward! I have determined to NOT LET THE DEVIL STEAL MY JOY! God has really been so good to us. Do I understand why this happened, no. Have I questioned God in this? YES, I've even been mad at God, but it didn't last for long. I have been able to talk to other parents who have had a child die - some from drowning, some from other circumstances, but I can share our story and the love of Jesus with them, opening doors, allowing them to know His Comfort as I have.
From a book I read and so true:
He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater. He sendeth more strength when the labors increase. To added affliction, he addeth His mercy. To multiple trials, His multiplied peace. When we have exhausted our store of endurance, when our strength has failed ere the day is half done, when we reach the end of our hoarded resources. Our Father's full giving is only begun. Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision. Our God ever yearns His resources to share. Lean hard on the arms everlasting, availing. The Father both thee and thy load will upbear. His love has no limit; His grace has no measure, his power has no boundary known unto man. For out of his infinite riches in Jesus, he giveth and giveth and giveth again!
Some other helpful promises from God (I have some of these verses written in my bible to go to regularly)...
A promise from God
TO HEAR Psalms 91:15 He shall call upon me and I will answer him.
FOR MERCY: Lamentations 3:32-33 But though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies. For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men.
FOR HOPE: Psalms 33:18 Behold the eye of the Lord is upon them that fear Him, upon them that hope in His mercy.
FOR HELP: Psalms 46:1-2 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed and thought the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea.
FOR VIGILANCE: 2 Chronicles 16:9 For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to shew Himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect towards him....
FOR COURAGE: Isaiah 51:12 I, even I, am he that comforteth you; who art thou, that thou shouldest be afraid of a man that shall die....
FOR DELIVERANCE: Isaiah 46:4 And even to your old age I am HE : and even to hoar heirs will I carry you: I have made, and I will bear; even I will carry, and deliver you.
FOR GOOD: Romans 8:28 And we know all things work together for good to them that love God, to them that are called, according to His purpose.
FOR PROTECTION: Psalms 91:11-12 For He shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways. They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
FOR PEACE: Phil 4:6-7 Be careful for nothing (do not worry), but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds thru Christ Jesus. Also, Job 37:14
FOR GUIDANCE: Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all they ways acknowledge Him and HE will direct they paths.
TO LISTEN: Jeremiah 29:12-13 Then shall ye call upon me and ye shall go and pray unto me and I will hearken unto you and ye shall seek me and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.
FOR KINDNESS: Psalms 42:8 Yet the Lord will command His loving kindness in the daytime, and in the night His song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life.
TO LEAD: Isaiah 48:17
FOR REST: Matthew 11:28-29 ....Come unto me all ye that labour, and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
*FOR GRACE: 2 Corinthians 12:9 And he said unto me, my grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness...
FOR COUNSEL: Psalms 32:8 I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye.
FOR REFUGE: Dueteronomy 33:27 The eternal God is thy refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms...
TO SHIELD: Psalms 18:30 As for God, His way is perfect the word of the Lord is tried, He is a buckler to all those who trust in Him.
*FOR STRENGTH: Isaiah 40:31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run, and not be weary, and they shall walk and not faint.
TO STAY: Hebrews 13:5 ...I will never leave thee nor forsake thee
FOR ETERNAL LIFE: John 11:25-26 Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live. And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest though this?
**FOR JOY**: Revelations 21:4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow nor crying; neither shall there be any more pain for the former things are passed away.
FOR THE HOLY SPIRIT: John 14:16 And I will pray the Father, and He shall give you another comforter, that He may abide with you forever.
FOR PEACE: John 14:27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you, not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
FOR HOME: John 14:2-3 In my Father's house there are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you unto myself, that where I am, there ye may be also.
In this dark world of sin and pain, we only meet to part again. But, when we reach that Heavenly shore, we shall meet to part no more. The joy that we shall see that day shall chase our present grief away.
Isaiah 57:1 The righteous perish, and no man layeth it to heart and merciful men are taken away, none considering that the righteous is taken away from the evil to come.
My life, OUR lives will never be the same, I remember that day as if it were yesterday... my grief doesn't really change or the pain lessen any. Time just makes us deal with and accept it as being there, a part of our lives and we can't change it, we just live with it. We can still be happy and joyful in the present, enjoying our families, children, friends and smile and be thankful, but the grief is still there. God is a God of all comfort, I could not have made it through this without HIM. Tragedies like this have destroyed marriages, families, people, etc. but thankfully, ours has grown ever stronger over the years. Yes, we've had some valleys and some mountains come along, but God has been with us every step of the way.
If you do not know Christ as your Savior, please accept Him today, I would be happy to show you how you can do that. Danielle is in Heaven, I know that I will see her again someday and look forward to it! She touched the hearts of nurses, doctors, church family, family, everyone she came across! I am so thankful for the time I had with her, knowing full well she may not have been revived at birth and we wouldn't have had those 2 1/2 years with her! Be thankful, love your children, love your loved ones, spend time with them! Life can change so fast, in the twinkling of an eye! Jesus gave His Son to die on the cross for us, willingly. I didn't give my daughter willingly, I couldn't imagine doing that! What an amazing God He is!
